Tuesday, June 24, 2014


I hate feeling like I'm not in control of my own life. It frustrates me so much but at the same time I feel so depressed.  I know how to get my mind off it though. I need to be become perfect again. I need to be beautiful. I need to be that girl is envied by all her friends. The one guys drool over. The one whose parents are so proud of..

I started a challenge today. Fifteen days. I'm hoping to lose 15 pounds. I will eat the same menu everyday (356 calories) and i also have a workout regime lined up. This is it. I've been so close for months and it seems like I stopped right before meeting my goal. I've gained about 5 pounds since then.. mehh. ONE FIFTEEN HERE I COME!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Pause. Think. Don't Eat. Repeat.

ive lost about 20lbs and im so close to my goal but im not quite there. i want to eat the world right now, not because im hungry but because i know it will taste good. Im already used to the constant light headed feeling and the hunger pangs. im in this awkward stage where yeah i look good but not good enough. I keep asking myself if this is really what i want. Being fat cant be so bad right? WRONG, i love the feeling i get when i hear the fatties at work say they're going on a diet. Yess darling, you need to cut back a few 3000 calories daily. but what about me? im already skinny... just not skinny enough. Right now i eat one meal and one snack a day, max. Will being skinny really taste better than the fried chicken my dad just made? Of course it will. I dont want to be average or ordinary. I want to stand out, I want to walk in shorts and a tank top and make every guy do a double take. i want to be the cause of every girls envy. I was blessed with a pretty face and awesome personality, its only right that i achieve a hot bod to go with it. I guess im not really stuck anymore... i just needed to think about it. Next time i want macaroni and cheese, or chocolate, or a milkshake i will stop and think, and you should too. Reaching my our goals will be worth it.

Stay Strong Lovelies,

Friday, May 30, 2014

Shooting for the MIlky Way

i try to stay motivated but i swear sometimes it feels like my lifes a fucking joke. from afar it seems like i have everything put together but its far from that. the stress is killing me, so much so that i can barely stand to be sober. im going to work now, time to chug two Budweisers and pack the ol' bowl. the thing that kills me the most is that i know i have so much potential, and its just rotting away. i dont want to wait until im done with college to get a good job.  i want a decent living and i want it now because at this rate, itll be a miracle if i make it through junior year. sometimes i break down and cry for hours for no reason, its not for "no reason" its all the shit that builds up inside. how im the only brown kid in this redneck town, how ive been working continuously for four years and i was just 18 last week, how i could never ask my mom for help because she never made it this far, how my father didnt call me on my birthday.. or ever. i just dont want to do it anymore, its so much hate. i hate the world for being so unfair, i hate this country for being so prejudice, but at the end of the day that doesn't matter because i dont blame anyone but myself, and thats what fucking sucks because i was born into these predicaments but every part of my wants so hard to succeed. Ive dealt with so much that i know i dont deserve mediocre, im shooting for the Milky Way.

Is Anybody Out there?

fast forward to May 2014.. im in college now, living in my own apartment, working a shitty ass job, and going to school. i saw this movie the other day that really got me thinking.. it was the Wolf of Wall St. The movie was just so good and so inspirational because it was based on a true story. I've always wanted to study accounting (its actually what im going for now) but not because i wanted only because i thought it was a good option... four years of school, decent money. its not what i WANT to do. i don't want to be 30 working a dead end job regretting my life. If it were up to me i would model. i know, its sounds so cliche but that's been a dream of mine since i was 14. back to the movie though.. a really famous quote in the movie was "the only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you cant achieve it" this is where the thinking came in.. i recently turned 19, im still young, i feel like if accounting is what im going to do then i want to at least have attempted my dreams. im not 5'8, i don't think im stunning, and i could spare to lose a few pounds but there's still a chance that when i walk into an open call i could get signed. i don't want any what-ifs, and i certainly don't want to live and ordinary life. modelling may not be my calling but then again it might be. this summer im visiting relatives in the city for two months. during that time i will go to every open call i can find. if by the end of my trip i don't hear anything then at least i'll know... 

in the meantime, i need to lose 15-20 pounds.. ive been losing weight pretty easily lately. i lost  about 10 pounds in a month with minimal effort. 20 pounds in one month with a little motivation and a lot of hard work should be breeze. i started last night, im doing a 24 hour fast followed by a three week green juice cleanse. here are my stats:


SW: 145
CW: 130

GW: 110